The Rat Maze
- Michelle Robert
- Feb 2
- 5 min read
Yes, I’m still pondering our theme of “Grounded Fluidity”. The whole month of January, I used the analogy of a flowing river to illustrate both our need to go with the flow and stay within the gentle boundaries of our banks. A grounded fluidity.
A very short review: In this metaphor, the flow is not only the vital life force energy (Prana or Qi) that is our essence, but also our ability to navigate through/under/over life’s obstacles. The way water ripples over rocks or finds its way through log jams.
The banks provide the direction of our flow and literally keep the current moving. Without banks, the water dissipates, maybe becoming stagnant or even evaporating away.
But here is where I’m at this week. Bear with me, it’s gonna get all existential up in here.
River banks - they were formed by rushing energy. The flow was so strong that it literally cut through the earth and declared itself a river. Boom! I’m a river! Much like how we were born. There was no stopping that energy. Boom! I’m here!
And we had as much ‘say’ in how we were formed as the river had. Basically none. Earth gave way where it was willing and able to give way, and the river zigged and zagged and narrowed and widened in a natural and elegant way. One that is not questioned or scrutinized. We not only allow the river to be exactly what and how it was meant to be, but we admire it. We enjoy it, we marvel at its beauty and celebrate its effortless existence.
So let me ask…Are we extending that same marvel and admiration to ourselves? Do we allow an easy existence just as we are? Or do we feel the need to change direction here, create a dam there, and zig when we were actually meant to zag?
Personally, I spent way too many years trying to manipulate and modify my natural flow - convinced that if I wasn’t all-out wrong in some way, I could at least be improved or enhanced with this change or that. Instead of self-acceptance, I was focused on self-improvement. And many people might say, “That’s what life is all about! It’s a virtuous attribute to keep improving, keep identifying where changes can and should be made.”
But let’s boil that concept down to its foundational message: If I need constant improvement, logic states that in some way, I’m lacking. I’m not enough as I am. I need fixed.
It took until my 55th year to realize that with each valiant effort of self-improvement, attached was the heavy burden of I need fixed. It truly was like yoking myself to a heavier and heavier plow every time I set out to make a change. I was trying to plow my own river instead of accepting it as it was.
And I’ll admit, I hadn’t noticed the full weight of that burden in years prior. I had the energy to keep making changes. I thought I had the know-how and tools to make them happen. I had resources, I had support, and I was making shit happen!
Until…the energy ran out. The motivation vanished. The weight was too heavy. The most common phrase to run through my mind or slip out of my mouth was, “I don’t care.” Over and over again, I just couldn’t muster anything in body, mind, or spirit to create improvement or change. Hell, I was barely getting through each day.
Now, you might be thinking, “Hmm…her 55th year? Honey, that’s just menopause!” And you’re right! That’s exactly what knocked me down. My symptoms were severe and came out of left field - totally blindsiding me. Now, I don’t want to get off track here and go on a menopause rant. Trust me, that will come in later blogs.
For now, let’s get back to how this transition basically made me stop in my tracks and examine this whole river analogy. And believe it or not, this realization is happening in real time. Yes. The lightbulb clicked on somewhere between writing the original title (Building Up Our Banks) and the 3rd paragraph. I thought I was setting out to write a blog about how we need to bolster our banks (strengthen our bodies), create boundaries (establish routines), and clean up log jams (remove physical and mental clutter, etc.). In essence - keep improving, keep changing.
But at some point, I envisioned a bird’s eye view of a river winding through terrain - as free and as wild as it pleased. That’s when it hit me. The river is exactly as it was meant to be…and so am I.
Radical Self-Acceptance. Hmm…I teach it, I ‘preach’ it, I thought I was engaging in it. But it wasn’t until an hour ago that I realized I was only dancing around the edges of it. An hour ago, I realized that instead of cursing the effects of menopause, I need to see the whole transition for the teacher it is. As dramatic as the experience was/is, it’s one of the natural zig-zags in my river.
“But wait, wait!” You might be saying. “I wanna get back to the bolstering our banks, creating boundaries, and cleaning up log jams! That’s something I can do, that’s a tangible goal to work toward, that’s what feels comfortable to me.”
Ahh, yes it is. It’s quite warm and comfortable to daydream of our imaginary arrival. That moment that is perpetually just out of reach, just one more improvement or accomplishment away.
Why is this illusion so juicy and enticing? It has such a cunning way of trapping us into a repeating pattern. A different, but same, rat maze. Day after day, sometimes moment after moment, we keep creating new standards that define our perceived self-actualization.
I told you we were going to get existential! And as all existential musings - they expose more questions than answers. But I’m already past the average tolerance for blog reading, so I’m going to leave you here in a state of unrest, confusion, and discomfort.
But fear not - it’s in this discomfort that we reflect, shift, expand, grow, evolve - all of that goody good stuff that we’ve been trying to make happen.
I’d love to hear some of those questions that popped up. Comment or email me.
If all of this is scratching an itch (or maybe creating a new itch!), consider exploring the concept of Radical Self-Acceptance with me through one or some of my services.
Until next time (where I’ll have yet another analogy!). Take care,
Michelle
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